One of the most powerful books I have read in my life is Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness. There is a particular quote that has stayed with me ever since:
“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
Over the years, both personally and in my work as a therapist, it has become clear to me that learning to be authentic can greatly improve our mental health. But learning to be authentic is not always easy. It takes awareness, practice, and sometimes courage to peel back the layers of who we think we “should” be in order to discover who we truly are.
A vital part of this process is understanding what values are important to us. In counselling, tools like value cards can help. Clients choose the values that feel most important to them and we explore why those values matter. We also look at whether these values are actually being lived out in different areas of their life. If not, we ask: What needs to change?
This exploration often highlights the gap between the life we are living and the life we long for. Authenticity begins when we align our choices, relationships, and commitments with our true values—not with the ones we inherited, were told to follow, or assumed we “should” hold.
Another key part of establishing authenticity is inner child work. This process helps us trace back where our values and beliefs originally came from. Did they truly belong to us, or were they given to us by parents, teachers, or society? Were they based on our own needs and joys, or on the fear of being judged or rejected?
When we identify that some of these values and expectations are not truly ours, we can begin to shed them. This is not about discarding everything from our past but about gently letting go of the layers that no longer serve us and embracing the parts of ourselves that feel genuine.
Why Authenticity Supports Mental Health
Why do I believe authenticity is so important for good mental health?
Because when we know ourselves and live according to our values, we stop people-pleasing. We stop bending and breaking to fit in, and instead we begin to feel safe enough to set boundaries. These boundaries protect our energy, preserve our relationships, and allow us to show up in the world with honesty.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with ourselves and with others.
The Autistic Experience of Authenticity
For many Autistic clients, this work often starts from the very beginning. So many of us reach adulthood with no real idea of who we are.
Why? Because much of our childhood is spent learning how to function in a world not made for us. While other children are discovering themselves through play, relationships, and pushing boundaries, many Autistic children are simply trying to “fit in.” We copy others, mask our true selves, and people-please, leaving little room to discover who we really are.
On top of this, we are often told repeatedly that we are “getting it wrong.” We hear it so often that we stop trusting our instincts. We stop doing what feels natural and in the process, we lose ourselves.
This is why I hear so many clients say: “I don’t know who I am.”
In therapy, there often comes a moment I call the “in-between.” It’s the stage where a client knows who they are not—but they also have no idea who they are becoming.
This stage can feel scary. Clients worry: What if I don’t like who I become? What if I discover things about myself that I don’t want to see?
That’s why safety is so important. Clients need to know that I have their back, no matter what surfaces. Authenticity is a journey, not a destination, and it requires support, compassion, and time.
For Autistic people, authenticity has another vital purpose: it helps us believe in ourselves enough to advocate for what we need.
In my experience, people are more willing to put accommodations in place if they understand why we need them. Of course, we shouldn’t have to justify our needs. But the reality is that in the world we live in, simply saying “because I’m Autistic” often isn’t enough.
For example, saying:
“I need to wear my noise-reducing loops because when you talk to me I also hear every other sound around me, and I can’t concentrate on your words,”
is usually met with more empathy and understanding than leaving it unexplained.
This is where authenticity empowers us. When we know ourselves, we can explain ourselves. And when we can explain ourselves, others are more likely to listen.
Of course, there will always be times when full authenticity is not possible. But I believe that if we can be authentic 80% of the time—whether we are neurotypical or neurodivergent—we will feel mentally healthier, more resilient, and more at peace.
Authenticity is not about being perfect, or about sharing every part of ourselves with everyone. It’s about knowing who we are, trusting ourselves, and daring to live in alignment with our values.
And for me, it all started with Brené Brown’s reminder:
True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
